Fall is here. The leaves are falling off trees, the temperature suddenly dropped, and in a blink of an eye summer is over. It’s been a month since I last posted a blog post and a video. I have a few reasons why I stopped posting. I’ll explain what I’ve been up to these past couple of months in this post including what I’ve been reading these past few months, general life updates, and a little bit about my content creating.

books I enjoyed these past 6 months

Going back to my posted wrap ups the last time I posted a wrap up was on March. I will wrap up all of my wrap ups from April to September in this post. If you want to know all the books I read every month I will also put my monthly videos here as well.

*whispers into mic* you can subscribe, like, and comment on the video if you like.

April

• Total books read: 2 books
• Total pages read: 781 pages

Favorite book(s)

May

• Total books read: 5 books
• Total pages read: 1,595 pages

Favorite book(s)

Least favorite book(s)

June

• Total books read: 7 books
• Total pages read: 2,548 pages

Favorite book(s)

🍂 The Long Way To A Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

🍂 Half A Soul by Olivia Atwater

Click here to read my review – Half A Soul by Olivia Atwater !

🍂 Dark Apprentice by Val Neil

Click here to read my review – Dark Apprentice by Val Neil !

Least favorite book(s)

🍂 Siren Queen by Nghi Vo

🍂 I Kissed Shara Wheeler by Casey McQuiston

July

• Total books read: 11 books
• Total pages read: 3,854 pages

Favorite book(s)

🍂 The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante

🍂 Tennis Lessons by Susannah Dickey

🍂 The Ascent to Godhood by Neon Yang

Least favorite book(s)

🍂 A Magic Steeped in Poison by Judy I. Lin

Click here to read my review – A Magic Steeped in poison by judy i. lin !

🍂 Alone With You in The Ether by Olivie Blake

🍂 Once Upon A K-Prom by Kat Cho

August

• Total books read: 8 books
• Total pages read: 2,603 pages

Favorite book(s)

🍂 Fireborne by Rosaria Munda

🍂 Exciting Times by Naoise Dolan

🍂 Into The Riverlands by Nghi Vo

Click here to read my review – Into the riverlands by nghi vo !

Least favorite book(s)

September

• Total books read: 5 books
• Total pages read: 1,709 pages

Favorite book(s)

🍂 Love In The Big City by Sang Young Park, translated by Anton Hur

🍂 Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid

🍂 My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, translated by Ann Goldstein

🍂 Stoner by John Williams

🍂 Flamefall by Rosaria Munda

songs on repeat

a show that is living in my head rent free

🍂 Love Between Fairy and Devil ( 苍兰诀 – Cāng Lán Jué) – 2022 🍂

During my very depressive state there were moments of pure happiness that picked me up when I was spiralling down and I thank this Chinese drama for that. What led me to watch this wuxia romance drama was tweets from a mutual on Twitter, Hiba. I think it was a couple of gifs of the two main characters and their fantastic outfits. Lucky enough the drama is complete and accessible through Netflix. Long story short I binged the whole drama in a week.

Love Between Fairy and Devil was originally a novel that was adapted into anime and now live action. It is a story about a low-ranking flower fairy, Xiao Lanhua (played by Yu Shuxin) and the powerful “Moon Supreme” Dongfang Qingcang (played by Dylan Wang). They are characters that found themselves in a dependant relationship because of certain circumstances. As reluctant as Dongfang Qingcang in baby sitting Xiao Lanhua, being the most powerful immortal of the three realms wanting to enact vengeance against the people that imprisoned him for 30,000 years, he has to protect this low-ranking fairy. All I can say their relationship is very endearing, funny, and precious.

I can’t stop thinking about this drama even after it finished. I cried my eyes out because of how pure their love for each other is. It’s been a while since I watched a drama that reminded me how good epic love stories are. Stories that uses love as a catalyst for hope in every essence of it’s story telling. The two actors that play the roles of the main characters really embodied the contrasting forms of purity and innocence. One that is shrouded in darkness and one that is a beaming shining light. If you haven’t watched this show please do yourself a favour and watch it.

personal life

It is hard to admit it but I’ve been feeling homesick. Somedays it is manageable and somedays I spiral into a dark place when I spend too much time looking at Insta-stories of friends back home. When I decided to reach out to friends back home it isn’t the same the relationship felt disconnected for some reason. I can’t even bring myself to reach out to online friends either because of fear that I am just a nuisance.

I call my family everyday. I hang out with my mom on call every night. I see my brothers every so often when they are not busy. But it isn’t the same as having friends. There are certain things I can’t talk about with family. It is a whole different connection.

I am very thankful to my partner that have stood by my side and gave me comfort when it was all too hard to bare. He has been the source of my strength and happiness that I wouldn’t crumble.

Seeing my partner hang out with his friends just made me feel more sad and more homesick. My partner included me when he hangs out with his friends once every few weeks but its unlike hanging out with my own friends. It feels like I was a plus one to my partner the whole time instead of standing as my own person.

For the first time in a very long time I felt the loneliest I’ve ever felt. On my period days I would cry more often than usual for no reason.

being a content creator

In 2020, when I started blogging it was the best decision that I ever made. I have always wanted to create something. In general I was a creative person since I used to dance that outlet was gone when I started working. I found that same joy I originally found in dancing in blogging then YouTube. For two years I read more books than I have in my lifetime. I reviewed so many books that I love and love to hate.

Posting something that gets a lot of engagement from fellow bloggers and Twitter is just out of this world. It is big personal accomplishment that made me feel like I’m over the moon. I am sure a few friends would agree with me on this.

These past six months I’ve been posting my book wrap ups on my YouTube channel. I stopped posting monthly wrap ups here on the blog. I planned about making a post for each month but it never came to realization because what I learned from YouTube is that balancing filming, editing, blogging, reading, life, and then just being present on social media is too much for me.

At some point after starting my YouTube channel and self hosting my own blog the pressure to pump content got to me. I could not find the balance and harmony to function as a content creator that reads books, review arcs, film and edit videos, that also manage a blog.

Seeing my peers thrive I was happy for them but it made me feel not happy with myself. I felt deep down that I wasn’t doing enough. This is clearly a ‘me’ problem as this behaviour is clearly toxic for my mental well being. It didn’t help as well that I was feeling homesick dealing with the feeling of loneliness.

This made me push myself into a very dark corner of my psyche. I experienced my lowest low in September. I stopped reading completely which led to me not posting any content whatsoever. This eventual pause in content creating I had foreseen before and it didn’t surprise me since it was a gradual change.

First, I stopped posting my monthly wrap ups on the blog and I solely relied on only book reviews. If you check my old monthly wrap ups I put in a lot of effort in each post. At some point those monthly wrap ups can take 1-2 weeks to make.

Second, when I found that it was still too much work for me I stopped posting blogging content. Writing got really challenging to the point that I reverted back to when I first started writing reviews. It took me a week to write one review. When I did post a review it didn’t do as well as before I went self hosted which just crushed my motivation slowly.

Third, the YouTube views were picking up and I got lots of subs when the algorithm favoured me for a few days. So, I put all my beans there pushing myself to posting one video a week (which I succeeded in August). I was passionate about posting videos and yet I still feel I wasn’t doing enough because my mind kept going back to the numbers.

For months I’ve been ruminating these thoughts that consumed me. I thought I needed a break from content creating so I did in September. That month I only read books for fun without thinking about making it into content. In some ways taking a break healed me but when the opportunity presented itself to me I took it as an escape route to completely stop making content.

Because in a sense I came to realize that I wasn’t happy anymore. The joy in making videos and blogging is no longer there.

what is next?

For the time being until I don’t know when I will be nice with myself and take it slow. I’ve been saying this since I moved to Canada but I need to fully commit to my own words. I will taking a break from being a content creator. I could’ve just disappeared but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to communicate my feelings and thoughts through a blog post. I’ve closed myself off to people for months, it is time to open myself up as part of my journey in getting back into doing what I love.

I have started taking steps to be more open to my family, reconnecting with friends back home, reading for enjoyment, and taking it slow. I also started working out every week to produce serotonin and take care of my body.

On Goodreads I updated my goals to 75 books this year and I have reached 60 books. I hope I can get to 75 by the end of the year but I will not push myself for this goal. If I reach it great and if I don’t it’s okay too.

Blogging plans for now I will not make the same long lists of books and recaps as I have done these past couple of years. I will only include the books I want to include. Quality over quantity, that is my motto right now.

closing

Sorry for emotionally dumping on this blog. It is not something that I thought I could share with you all, but I feel like I needed to do it. I think deep down I miss updating this blog, I know I can’t return to it fully yet but I’m taking the first steps.

I hope you are all doing okay, happy, and healthy mentally & physically. Let me know how you are all been in the comments. I would love to hear all your thoughts.

🍂 How have you been?

🍂 Any good books? Any disappointments?

🍂 Do you have any shows you are obsessed with?

Thank you for reading!

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